Carry On Columbus (1992, Jim Dale, Bernard Cribbins, June Whitfield, Leslie Phillips, Maureen Lipman, Julian Clary, Rik Mayall, Jack Douglas, Jon Pertwee, Peter Gilmore) – Classic Movie Review 2380

In 1992 Gerald Thomas directs the 30th and final Carry On movie after a 14-year gap since Carry On Emmannuelle in 1978. Dave Freeman’s naff script for this reunion film bears a remarkable resemblance to the serious Christopher Columbus: The Discovery (also 1992) whose true story it is parodying and is far less funny. Though, to be fair, it’s also very bad.

Carry On Columbus was made to cash in on the historical fever surrounding the 500th anniversary of Christopher Columbus’s discovery of the Americas, along with both 1492: Conquest of Paradise and Christopher Columbus: The Discovery. Movie-wise at least, it turned out the public’s interest in Columbus was mild at best.

At least Jim Dale is aptly cast as Christopher Columbus in his 11th Carry On, and carries on regardless. But unfortunately  the movie is hijacked by the so-called 1980s alternative comedians like Peter Richardson, Alexei Sayle, Rik Mayall, Tony Slattery, Keith Allen, Julian Clary and Nigel Planer, who give horrible nudge-nudge, wink-wink, aren’t-I-funny performances. Here, alternative comedians means alternative to funny.

So it is poetic and actual justice that by far the funniest comedy playing comes from the old Carry On gang of Dale, Bernard Cribbins as Mordecai Mendoza, Jack Douglas (Marco the Cereal Killer), Jon Pertwee (Duke of Costa Brava), Peter Gilmore (Governor of the Canaries) and especially June Whitfield and Leslie Phillips as the arguing King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain.

Alas Bernard Bresslaw, Joan Sims and Barbara Windsor refused to appear. And sadly Frankie Howerd died shortly before he was due to play the King of Spain.

In the plot, Columbus believes he can find an alternative route to the far East and persuades the Spanish royals to finance his expedition. But the Sultan of Turkey (Rik Mayall, way over the top) sends his sexy spy Fatima (Sara Crowe, the ideal blonde and bosomy dolly bird) to wreck the trip.

Unsuccessfully trying to access Charles Hawtrey, Julian Clary gives an offensive and most ill-advised camp turn as Don Juan Diego, making the least of a bluer than blue script, in which a couple of the jokes are filthy (‘if you get lonely in the night, you can always come up my end’).

Also in the cast are Maureen Lipman, Richard Wilson, Bert Kwouk, Martin Clunes, though they’ve probably left it off their CVs.

Forget how bad Carry On Emmannuelle is, Carry On Columbus is a new level of bad and it can easily take its place as one of the worst movies of all time. A 2004 poll of British film actors, technicians, writers and directors  voted it worst British film ever.

There’s additional script material by John Antrobus, who plays Manservant. Dave Freeman also has a cameo as Inquisitor number 1. Cameraman Alan Hume worked with director Thomas on the very first Carry On film, Carry on Sergeant (1958). It was the last film directed by Thomas, who died on 9 November 1993.

It was filmed as always at Pinewood studios, with exteriors at Frensham Ponds, previously used nearly 30 years earlier for Carry On Jack.

The budget at £2,500,000 may be low still, but it’s about ten times the cost of a vintage Carry On movie. Carry On Columbus took more money at the UK box office than Christopher Columbus: The Discovery ($45 million budget) and 1492: Conquest of Paradise ($47 million), though all three flopped.

© Derek Winnert 2015 Classic Movie Review 2380

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