Dom Hemingway * (2013, Jude Law, Richard E Grant, Demian Bichir, Madalina Ghenea) – Movie Review

Jude Law tries a role he isn’t really suited for – notorious safe-cracking lowlife Dom Hemingway, who’s served 12 years in prison after keeping his mouth shut and is now back on the streets of London looking to collect what he thinks he’s owed.

It’s written and directed by Richard Shepard who made The Linguini Incident with David Bowie and Rosanna Arquette in 1991, a film so bad that no one got to see it, so it can never be held against him. I did. It wasn’t released in UK cinemas. But it was previewed to critics. It’s very rare for a film to be press shown then not released. Judge for yourself.

On the other hand he made The Matador with Pierce Brosnan in 2005, a genuine pleasure. I’m also going to mention that he attended NYU’s film school but didn’t graduate because he failed his required science class. But we won’t hold that against him.

I am going to hold Dom Hemingway against him, though. It is, as they say, genuinely shocking, but not in a good way. One critic I know told me he’d walked out of it after half an hour at the Toronto Film Festival. I was surprised, as we critics aren’t supposed to do  that.

When I saw it a couple of days later, I wanted to walk out during the initial sequence, Jude Law’s paean of praise to his penis. He reckons it’s so amazing it should be in a penis museum. Fine. Most blokes probably think that, but we’re all too damned polite (or just embarrassed, or ashamed) to say it out loud. This just isn’t cool. Nor funny, amusing or clever. It’s just naff.

I need hardly tell you that I stayed the 93-minute course to the bitter end. The film carries on in this kind of extremist vein, looking for laughs in its shock value, and not getting them. Jude Law seems miscast as this ghastly hard man character. It needs Ray Winstone or Danny Dyer to bring this off.

Law’s far too nice and sweet and middle class for all this. I just don’t want to see him going down the bus depot and smashing some nice transport employee to a pulp because the man’s befriended his now late missus while he was in jail. This just isn’t cool. Nor funny, amusing or clever. It’s just naff.

Law puts everything he knows into the role, but it’s all misplaced energy. The part’s wrong for him. It’s shocking to see him looking so wrecked (he gained 30 pounds for the role) and acting and speaking so vilely. But if you want to see him take his kit off and go all Cockney, this is the film for you.

Then, what’s worse in some ways, we’re supposed to care for this ‘loveable’ character in his attempt to win back the love of his estranged daughter and her son. But we just don’t care about Dom. He’s a violent, unpleasant, foul-mouthed piece of work, and that’s that. You wouldn’t want to spend a second in his company in real life, so why would you want to spend 90 minutes with him in a movie?

Richard E Grant does better as his old buddy, Dickie, doing well by seeming to revisit his old Withnail character in middle age. It isn’t hilarious but it is amusing. His scenes with Law slightly redeem the movie. Demian Bichir makes a polished job of the part of Mr Fontaine, the France-dwelling Mr Big whom Dom and Dickie visit so Dom can get payback for his silence (‘I want my money plus interest and a present’). And Madalina Ghenea is graceful as the femme fatale Paolina who plunges Dom into new trouble.

Richard Shepard directs briskly, smartly  and competently, occasionally with a few flashes of style.

I’m frankly surprised that the film has a 15 certificate and also that the BBC has backed it. But it has and they have.

© Derek Winnert 2013 Movie Review

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