Fifty Shades Freed * (2018, Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eric Johnson) – Movie Review

The final chapter in the Shades of Grey trilogy is the worst, both tame and lame.  The sex is tame and the personal and ‘thriller’ plots are lame. Sequelitis has set in big time, doing major damage. The film paints everything in black and white, but comes over as very grey.

As the advertised ‘unmissable climax’ to the saga, it is limp and flaccid. It looks very much like novelist E L James has run out of ideas, as her plotlines and Niall Leonard’s screenplay have nothing new to offer. You may want to see Dakota Johnson’s boobs and Jamie Dornan’s chest again, and why not?, but they are the same ones we saw last time.

So what is new in Fifty Shades Freed? Well Christian and Ana are married, and of course problems set in at once, otherwise no film. On honeymoon in Nice, France, she shows her boobs in public, infuriating My Grey. Back home, she refuses to be a rich housewife in the new home he’s bought for her, and wants to go back to work, where she finds she’s been promoted to fiction editor in her absence, and doesn’t want to be called Mrs Grey at the publishers, infuriating My Grey.

Dornan does a good line in looking broodingly angry, though the look is the same one he does for sulky and also for being sexy. He does have a nice smile, though, when the script lets him. Ana also wants to spend time with her friends, infuriating My Grey. He’d like to keep her under lock and key in handcuffs in his playroom, sorry, now their playroom.

Look, I know Dornan is hot, but what otherwise does Ana see in her new husband? He has mother issues, was abused as a kid by ‘Mrs Robinson’ and wants to pass the abuse on. Ana wants abuse too, but not really so much, and basically wants to tame Mr Grey and turn him into the ideal (billionaire) husband. Ana sees a rich husband she can have a lovely lifestyle with, is that it?

Ana likes disobeying Mr Grey, and he seems to like getting infuriated. One time, he gets so angry with her, in his soft, quiet way that he starts to have S&M sex with her then stops, just to prove how frustrating it is to him that she won’t do what he wants. He is an annoying, narcissistic brat, but Ana sees the lovely person inside, whose only downside is that he can’t cook. Never mind, they can have takeout.

Mr Grey is such a perfect catch that he can even sing and play piano. Obligingly, Dornan performs Maybe I’m Amazed composed by Paul McCartney. It is exquisitely embarrassing. If your hubby can sing and play piano, who cares if he’s a mess-up, and a husband who doesn’t want kids too. Well, the playroom would be too difficult to explain to them, wouldn’t it?

[Spoiler alert] Then of course, Ana gets pregnant, by accident apparently, or perhaps just to infuriate Mr Grey, who gets furious, and goes off to his ‘Mrs Robinson’ for comfort and advice, infuriating Ana, who finds has found the balls to stand up to him and everyone else around them. It looks like the end for Mr and Mrs Grey. But then the ‘thriller’ plot comes to their rescue.

[Spoiler alert] A quick look at the cast list shows you that Eric Johnson and his Jack Hyde character are back in the story, so it’s easy to guess that he’ll have got out of jail and started on some new mischief – this is the ‘thriller’ plot, which runs more or less the same way as it did last time. Surely they could have come up with a new villain?

[Spoiler alert] Mrs Grey tries to solve the situation like a proper little Jessica Fletcher, but she needs Mr Grey’s help to do it, and he follows her lead, just like Jessica’s little helper. He does care! He does love her! They can live happily ever after in their great big house with their nice little kid, and from time to time nip into the playroom for a little tame S&M.

You watch Fifty Shades Freed with your jaw dropped. It is sometimes a bit slow, sometimes a bit repetitive, but always compulsive, compulsive in that way special way some really bad movies can be. You sit there transfixed, looking forward to the next jaw-dropping moment. James Foley directs very slickly and professionally, but it is a comedown from his heyday with At Close Range (1986), After Dark, My Sweet (1990) and Glengarry Glen Ross (1992).

Johnson and Dornan don’t have a lot of chemistry, but they are good actors and can somehow find a way to make their roles work. Happily, Johnson and Dornan can get back to their acting careers again now, and good luck to them! Hopefully, no one will hold Fifty Shades against them. It is evidently not their fault! Dornan might make a good James Bond, if anyone is casting. He’s got the right look.

I should add that the soundtrack is a shade annoying and, unusually, Danny Elfman’s score a shade irritating. That’s two shades of stuff that Mr Grey would give a good spanking to.

Fifty Shades Freed is rated R in America for strong sexual content, nudity, and strong language. It has an 18 certificate in the UK, but, like we said at the start, the sex is tame and there is no full-on nudity like there would be in, say, a French movie where sex was on the agenda. Somehow, the film has fear of sex written all over it, especially fear of kinky sex, which is very strange because that it what it is supposed to be all about. But, no, it’s all about the mildest possible titillation in the safety of your comfy Luxe cinema Relax and Recline armchair.

As I’m reviewing the armchair now, it is very comfy, thanks, Odeon London Haymarket (formerly Panton Street) – though I wish people would stop talking and turn their mobiles off during the movie.

© Derek Winnert 2018 Movie Review

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