Machete Kills * (2103, Danny Trejo, Alexa Vega, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen) – Movie Review

Danny Trejo returns from Robert Rodriguez’s 2010 movie Machete as the knife-wielding Mexican ex-Federale agent Machete, who is recruited by the US President (Charlie Sheen, billed under his real name as Carlos Estevez) for a mission impossible. He must take down a madman revolutionary (Oscar-nominee Demian Bichir) with a split personality and an eccentric billionaire arms dealer called Voz (Mel Gibson) who is plotting to spread war and anarchy across the planet.

This sequel started when Rodriguez decided to put some titles up at the end of Machete for two fake sequels, as a daft joke just to get the audience thinking he had two sequels coming. It said, ‘Machete will return in Machete Kills and Machete Kills Again.’

But when Rodriguez saw the audience reaction to Machete, he realised that he should give the fans what they wanted. And he kind of does. Though filmed quickly and on a tight budget, Machete Kills is really big, bold and adventurous as Rodriguez intended. It’s obviously a labour of love for him and Trejo. That shows and that’s definitely on the film’s credit account.

Those die-hard fans Rodriguez is courting were in the cinema the night I saw it, laughing throughout at all the gross-out stuff and relishing all the gratuitous violence and blatant sexism. If that’s your thing, then fair enough.

But, for me, I’m sorry to say that Machete Kills is total dross, a one-joke film that just isn’t funny. Rodriguez and his long-time collaborator brother Marcel, plus writer Kyle Ward, are clearly struggling to come up with new ideas to extend a joke that is already perilously thin and played out in the first film. The middle hour is fairly desperate, with invention running out and pretty much nothing happening.

It says a lot that Charlie Sheen way out-performs an uncomfortable-seeming Mel Gibson. But then Sheen has a lot of experience with spoof comedy, running back to Loaded Weapon 1 and Hot Shots! Gibson somehow misjudges his over-the-top turn as the ultimate Bond-style villain. He shows it’s not easy for an actor being this bad and holding onto it. And, anyway, Sheen probably has a better sense of humour than Gibson.

The impressive cast also includes returning actors Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Elise and Electra Avellan, and Tom Savini. And they’re all game for it and fine in it, which is good.

The diverse new ensemble also includes Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard (as Miss San Antonio), Cuba Gooding Jr., Walt Goggins, Antonio Banderas, William Sadler, Alexa Vega (from the Spy Kids series, in a very grown-up turn as Killjoy), Vanessa Hudgens and Lady Gaga (in her inauspicious screen debut). But they don’t fare so well. A mixed bag, they work hard but with mixed results.

For example, perhaps the most unusual role in Machete Kills is certainly El Camaleon, played by Banderas, Gooding Jr., Gaga and Goggins. But this idea doesn’t work at all, raising no laughs, and stranding unhappy-looking Banderas and Gooding, who can often be very funny.

Now gross-out jokes aside and back to the gratuitous violence. I’m afraid that the head hacking and limb slicing is getting tired, repetitive and boring, not to mention really unpleasant, even in a lame spoof. Pain and death isn’t really funny, guys, is it?

The movie should be cool and fun. But unfortunately it isn’t. I wanted to like it. Hell, I liked From Dust Till Dawn and Sin City.

Please no part 3! No Machete Kills Again. No Machete in Space. No thank you.

© Derek Winnert 2013 Movie Review

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